I’ve personally been asked, as a former NICU mom to all three of my children, what people can do to help their friends who are faced with a NICU stay. It’s hard to navigate, I get it. You don’t know what they need. You don’t know how to ask if their child is okay without possibly triggering them or offending them since they’re already in such an emotional state.
I can only share what helped or would have helped us in our time of need. So please see below for my 8 best things to give or ways to help your friend and their child in the NICU.
- DO instead of ASK
This is number one for a reason. As a capable person, I am sure if someone asks you right now if there is “anything they can help you with” your answer will be: “No, I think I’ve got it under control, thank you!” EVEN IF you are quietly drowning inside. Your NICU friend will feel the same.
They will think they should be able to do everything, so don’t ASK if they want you to send lunch to their room. Tell them you are sending lunch and ask what time works best. Don’t ask if you could mow their lawn while they’re away, go ahead and just do it and then tell them. - Gift Cards
If you want to be respectful of their space and time limitations, sending a gift card or an e-gift card can be really helpful. Make sure it’s to a place that is grab and go quickly or that delivers to the hospital, and you will make their day. Gas cards, grocery cards, coffee, restaurants, etc. All can be really helpful. - Snacks
Feed your friends. What better excuse to emotionally eat than having a kid in the hospital? Send cupcakes. Bring a basket of their favorite treats for them to take into the room with them. On the smaller side, drop off mom or dad’s favorite drink on your way in to work. It’s the little things….and the snacks…that will keep your friends going. - Home Care
When I went home on little breaks from the NICU, it was a whirlwind of doing a load of laundry, trying to pack stuff up to leave again, pumping over and over, and the thought to clean my house never crossed my mind. Find out who is letting their animals out (or offer to do that) and ask them if you can grab the key and do a load of dishes.
Don’t ASK to do this. Your friend will absolutely tell you no, embarrassed of the state of their home. You don’t judge your friend who is going through a tough time, so just help them out. It doesn’t have to be THE WHOLE HOUSE. But pick up the living room, water plants, vacuum. It is all so helpful! - Babysitting
Offering up a fun night for their other kiddos who aren’t in the hospital can be a breath of relief. Even if you’re not the main caretaker for your friend’s children, just knowing that their kid gets to go out for ice cream or to the zoo or to the park with you can help them feel like they aren’t failing their kids by leaving them to be with a new one. It can help the confused kiddo get their mind off of things as well. - Baby Gifts
Whether it be getting a tiny sized outfit for the early surprise, a blanket with the baby’s name on it, a book that made you think of them… a personalized gift for the baby will make things feel more normal. Smaller or specialized clothing or diapers can help alleviate stress of the parents needing to get those things once they leave the hospital as well. - Activities
Your friends are spending much of their time waiting on their child to wake up, feed, and get better. Gift them a book that you love that can take their mind somewhere else, a card game suitable for two, or any other thing that could keep them entertained during all the “wait time.” - A Night Out
This will be hard to convince the parents to do. If you’re a best friend or family member, this might be one you need to take on. The mental health of the parents is just as important as the progress of their child. You can only fill up another person from your cup so much until you need a refill yourself.
Convince your friend to take an afternoon off and let the nurses handle it. This can either be a date night, a night over to your house for dinner, an activity with their other children, etc. It will be a hard sell. It may be a hard conversation, but it’s really important. It doesn’t make them a bad parent. Use the cup metaphor if you need it. That should help!
I truly hope this helps you to help your friends! The NICU is scary and isolating. It can be daunting, even if you’re only there for a few days. I think of those parents who do hundreds of days with their babies and my heart goes out to them. They need support whether it’s one day or one year.
One of the best things you can do is make sure you’re letting them know you’re there for them. Ask questions and stay engaged, but don’t be too pushy when it comes to getting info about how the baby is doing. Sometimes parents just don’t know or they don’t want to share the bad days. Be a good part in their bad day. Your friend is lucky to have you!
